Hi! all,

I am writing this a day and half after I had surgery on my stomach to remove to very painful fibroids which were causing me all sorts of pain and problems....so I am quite sore and have to take it easy for a few weeks no heavy lifting past 10 lbs.

I have to be careful because the pain meds mix with a lot of my meds that I am on for my Bi Polar disorder...and can turn me into Half Ware wolf and half  The Incredible Hulk ,

Well I better go.

 After the frusterating issues with my precious children this morning ,God reminded me of this song.

(center text) They were so excited it was coming to be, two people so in love and now soon there would be three, for many years they planned it. Now soon it would be true, She was picking out the pink clothes, he was looking at the blue. The call came unexpected the doctor had bad news, Some tests came back and things weren't right, said you're gonna have to choose, "I'll wait a week for your decision" and then the words cut like a knife , "I'm sure everyone will understand if you want to end its life". Though they were badly shaken they just had no choice, Because they knew God creates no accidents and they were sure they heard His voice Sayin'. (chorus) sometimes miracles hide, and God will wrap some blessings in disguise and you may have to wait this lifetime to see the reasons with your eyes, cause sometimes miracles hide It seemed before they knew it the appointed day arrived, with eager apprehension they could barely hold inside, The first time they laid eyes on her confirmed the doctors fears but they held onto God promise they were sure they both could hear. (chorus) Though she was not like the other girls they thought she was the best, and through all the years of struggle neither whispered one regret. And the first day that she started school and took her first bus ride, they'd remembered the words that God had spoke and they both broke down and cried. You see to them it did not matter why some things in life take place, cause they just knew the joy they felt when they'd look into her face. They learned that sometimes miracles hide, they said God Has wrapped our blessing in disguise and we may have to wait this lifetime to see the reasons with our eyes, we know sometimes miracles hide. We've learned sometimes miracles hide. �¨ Translate this song to another language �¨ See a printer friendly version of this song �¨ Submit new Bruce carroll Lyrics �¨ CORRECT these lyrics if they are wrong!

Wish You Were Here

I can just see him walking on the shores of Heaven
He's talking with Jesus, watching the tide role in
And Oh how I miss you so
Here's what you'd say to me 

Your doing fine and it dosen't hurt any more .
Your talking with Jesus ,Heaven is worth wating

Wish you were here its such a beautiful place
Wish you were here nothing but clear sunny days
It never rains and no one complains and we haven't seen a tear
We're having a great time wish you were here.

This song was written by a sister of a former pastors wife whose husband went to be with Jesus in 1994 after a long battle with a brain tumor.

I am dedicating it to a very dear freind and his wife and children.

My freind and brother in Christ, Craig went home to be with Jesus at 6 am ,March 8 ,2007 after a 14 month battle with esophogus cancer.

He was 48 and left behind a beautiful, sweet loving wife and best freind who is also a freind and a born again Christian Karla and 4 sweet children Jordan 26, Amy 24 (fiance willy), Rebecca 21 and Joy 16.

Craig I know I will see one day again in heaven......thankyou for the wonderful testimony of Gods love and grace you shared with so many.

I am told that there were over 500 people at your veiwing (or wake) alone and aproximately 150 or more people at your funeral.

I am also greatful for the oppertunity to be able to stand up and sing the song above on your behalf at your funeral .

You were an awsome freind and left behind many valuable memories and lead many to Christ.

I will miss your sense of humor and your silly songs...the way you and my dad would joke around and goof off sometimes during the middle of the church service .

Causing Pastor Seikbert to shake his and and chuckle and then jokeingly threaten to seperate the two of you.

You had a way of brightening up a room wherever you went even when you were ill.

The silly plays and skits you were in and how good you were at .

Your love for nature and the outdoors....expecially bee's ...eeek never understood your fascination with them LOL .

I will never forget hearing how an hr and a half before you died you playfully stuck your tounge out at Karla.

I remember babysitting for your kids  as your wife babysat me as a child. 

 Walking in the kitchen and witnessing you and Karla standing there you were standing behind her hugging her with her arms wrapped around her waist and whispering mushy stuff in her ear and listen to her soft giggle .

I remember saying something to the extent of eww yuck mushy stuff...and I think I embarressed you ! LOL ! but thats okay it was worth it.

You and Karla seemed to have that unique close relationship and deep love that my parents have and still have.......I have witnessed plenty of mushy stuff with them...Eww yuck over the years.

I always had a deep respect ,love and admiration for you and Karla and that will never change.

I am looking forward to the day when I can enter Heavens gates and see you and many others as well but most of all our Heavenly Father ,Jesus.

Please give him a big hug for me and thank him for me

I love you Craig my big brother !!!

Navigation: M Mark Schultz He's My Son

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there

CHORUS

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

This song has become one of many favorite songs to sing to my son at night .

Though I am well aware that God hears and see's and talks to him and is always by his side as well as his sister Rebecca's.

I am also well aware of the disability he has and the trials he will face as well as his sister.

It's hard to understand why God chose my husband and I to raise 2 autistic children....Oh I've had people tell me my kids have autism because of a booster shot ..........blah ! blah ! blah ! as if it were our fault from protecting our children from other potential deadly illnesses (ect).

But thats not the point.... and does it matter now ?   God has always given me a deep love and compassion for special needs children.

I even dreamed of adopting special needs children.....though I never thought that I would give birth to special needs children.

I know that God has a purpose and a plan for them and that we are to raise them up in Christ to the best of my ability.

I make sure to talk to them about God and his love for them and about Jesus and the  cross and the horrible boo boo's he suffered before and while on the cross.

And how he died and came back to life......and I talk about mommies freind Craig who will likely be spending his first Easter with Jesus this year :(      : )  the good thing is that we will see him again one day ! and that he will be happy and pain free.

Doing cart wheels with  great adopted grandma Hoppee ! and singing a duet with his  father in law !!!

I often wonder how much they understand but God knows and thats what matters,he watches over them in ways we cannot always see.

He recently (a couple of months ago)  protected my daughter and I  from getting plowed over by a car comming into our apartment that usually speeds but this time didn't ...which was good as my daughter had thrown herself down in the midst of a meltdown and I wouldn't have had time to get her and myself to safety had they sped

God is so awsome .....yet in my weakness I  sometimes forget that.....as I did nearly 3 weeks ago when I wound up in the hospital for a week.

I will share more about that soon but for now I have a 4yr old that needs to go to bed...until next time..God bless

  I think I am going to start out with one big one and add more resolutions as I go along.

  I think I need to concentrate on allowing myself to feel and express the negative feelings within me for more than 5 minutes at a time  this year and allow God to help me.

  I have spent most of my life stuffing and suppressing I don't really know how to do anything but that .

  I realize that its slowly destroying me ......my husband even told me  last night that he would like to see me pull my "act together" and make it through this year.

  I am starting to grieve a little more for my freind Craig ,expecially as I came to realize that he may not make it to see his daughter Amy get married in June....I am hoping she will move it up.

  There is more going on inside me other than the greif I am feeling for both of my freinds and families.

  I am trying to take into consideration that January and February are the toughest months for me.

  I am also realizing the need to take care of myself more but it is very diffucult for me to get past some of the destructive tendancies I have.

   I know I can't do this alone and as long as I stay focused on God and his promises to me and allow him to pull me through I will eventually be victorious.

   It helps that  God is slowly helping my counselor find a way of breaking through this wall I seem to have myself surrounded by.

   I also have a loving supportive church family a very dear freind named Debbie and a group of ladies from my special needs support group helping me not to mention a few blog freinds and internet freinds.

   I have more than most people have ....it helps to reach out and open up to people .......oh sure I have been hurt by inconsiderate unconpassionate" knuckle heads" but there are others who have shown me the love and grace of God and the gift of compassion and for them I greatful for.

 Hi ! all I need to appologize to my few loyal readers and thank them for the encouragement they are to me.

You see I sit here  with pills in hand and my daughter playing in the kitchen sink with the water.

Am I going to kill myself  ? .....no I can't I want to but I can't  but I need to take these pills .ehh better take them now........because they are supposed to help me with my struggle with Bi Polar disorder.

I am now on the verge of tears as I write this...I wanted to keep this blog dedicated to my children and the joys and sorrows of raising autistic children.

But I need to let things out and feel this is the best place for it right now.

As I write this I am looking around at a huge mess...that I know I need to clean up .....its hard all I want to do is excape.

I have even had to force myself to give my daughter the attention she needs right now.......brb she is in the fridge again..

I love both my son Matthew and my daughter Rebecca very much they are 6 and 4, I also love my husband and can't allow them the same pain and devistation that I have gone through between 1986 to 2002.

I lost 4 people through suicide that I loved very much ,my Aunt,Grandpa, and 2 freinds I can't be a 5th statistic.

God doesn't want me to destroy the life he has given me or the lives of my children and husband.

They need me and I need them.....however I do find myself on somewhat of a down ward spiral and I can't seem to get past it ......yes God is there trying to help me but the struggle is so hard and painful.

I also realize that I am in a greiving process as I am watching 2 freinds one who is 48 and on in his 60 die of esophogus  cancer and a brain tumor.

There are other struggles inside me that I do not understand and are making things worse for me.

I feel so alone and yet I am not......I 've become so lazy mostly because I can't concentrate...my husband is trying to be understanding and supportive but he can only be and do so much and I know its killing him in many ways to see me heading the direction I am going and yet a part of me dosen't care.

I have often wondered if I should do something to get myself hospitalized but am facing alot of resistance from my husband  because of the kids.

I don't want to leave the kids and have been trying to get my husband to understand that we have a little more help with the kids now since a new freind of mine who has 3 girls my daughters age one of which has Aspergers syndrome,but sometimes I think another hospital stay may do me some good sometimes I don't......maybe I will be able to work through some of my feelings in a stable environment .

I am so scared I am going to crack and hurt my kids one day even though everyone that knows me best tells me that they know me well enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt my precious treasures.....I have too much love and compassion for them.

I can't take that chance ...I am ready to just pack a bag and leave but where would I go and I can't abandon my family like that they are my life.

I could take the chance and hitch hike somewhere since I can't drive but where would I go ?

Besides its dangerous these days for a 33 yr old woman to hitch hike with all the nuts out there. But yet a part of me dosen't care.

I am hanging on though barely at times. I have too i just have too.

God has a plan for me and I know what part of it is so I have too......but I don't want too.......sigh

    I watched my almost  4 yr old daughter play in the dish water (she is so fascinated with water) and lean her beautiful long brown head of hair backwards and let out this really cute adorable giggle.

    My first thought as I smiled and soaked in the moment was "Oh the beauty of innocence ".

   Then my mind began to wonder to a conversation I once had with a family member and it nearly destroyed the moment.

    This particular family member told me that she was so scared for my children who can't talk ..at least not with words :) would one day be a victim and be taken advantage of and their innocence lost,

   At first the thought of it infiltrated my mind and I began to worry and panic and the urge to become an over protective mother and smother my kids like I was smothered came over me.

    Then God took over my mind and reminded me that generational curses were made to be broken and I prayed and gave it back to God.

    Yes it happened to my grandmother my mother and myself but God is in control.

    I will do my best to protect them the way a mother should and my husband will as well without smothering her .

   The older they get the more I realize that I can't be there to protect them but God and his angels can and are.

    Does it mean that I trust them with a complete stranger without checking them out first  ?    No.

    Though its hard to see what my 6 yr old and  almost 4 yr old understand being autistic.

     I know I can teach them to trust God and trust their instincts if something isn't right and if they can't tell my husband and I when something is wrong then I know God will.

I would not be supprised if God talks to them already in ways that we "average " people can't understand or comprehend, in fact I'm sure of it.

   Just letting my blog readers know that I will be posting soon.....I have a lot to talk about  and want to share something that has both inspired and amazed me and has also helped me appreciate life as I know it more....It also woke me up a bit......stay tuned !!

For now I better get in bed been up with 3 kids or I should say 2 sick kids and a husband ! LOL !

All I am going to say ....don't want to embarrass him is pray for my husband for the next few days ....if you could he needs it.

 Hi! all feeling a little unstable mentally and physically and could use some prayer today....I am fighting the self destructive thoughts that are pestering me today...God is right there beside me and that is so comforting its what is keeping me going.

I won't act on these thoughts I have 2 precious children and a wonderful husband who just cleaned most of the "Pit of Despair" also known as the kids room for me .....and he's alive to tell about it. LOL ....I think he deserves a purple heart  for his bravery !

Ah what a man he is (I say that will swooning)  eh he's been taking good care of my somewhat lazy bu.....well south end LOL !

Can't wait until I can get my health under control again then maybe I won't feel guilty  when my sweet hubby cleans.

Hubby starts college full time next week Monday though Thursday 9am to 4 pm he is taking accounting, I am so proud of him.

Me I am working on my second assignment for the 2 yr childrens writer correspondence  classes I am taking. 

So between that helping out and observing my daughters and soon to be my sons class cleaning and caring for my kids, researching and church activities life is not boring.....well before I zoom off of here I have one question not related to anything I just said LOL !

What do you think of electric or battery opperated tooth brushes ?